COLUMN: Beer, baseball, Big Foot and naming names

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at hacaines@gmail.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“Baseball is 90% mental, and the other half is physical.”</em>

—attributed to Yogi Berra

Do any of you have a basket near your front door that holds your mail? After a week or so, you have to take 15 minutes to sift through the mounting pile to figure out what is important and what is trash. That is kind of what my (I am not allowed to call it) random thoughts columns are like. It is time for Your Humble Columnist to go through the hodgepodge of stories recently in the news.

— Since most of you forget (ignore?) what I say in this space, you most likely did not notice that I used President Donald J. Trump’s name in <a href=”http://www.cachevalleydaily.com/opinion/article_8a3d65ea-0f36-11e7-b874-177f1320bf39.html” target=”_blank”>my column last week</a>. I said I would not…though I did relent that at some point it would be unfeasible to continue this simplistic act of defiance forever.

Mind you, I am not close to done using derogatory nicknames to describe this hideous buffoon. President Sexual Predator. The Orange Lunatic. Comrade Trumpsky. And one I have borrowed from others: Twitler. All are in bounds and appropriate.

And I have a new nickname for Lord Tiny Hands’ supporters: Trumpkins. That is a portmanteau of Trump and bumpkin. Because Trump supporters really are not smart enough to sit at the adult table with people who live on Real Earth.

— A woman in Idaho claimed this week that she ran over a deer because she was startled to find a <a href=”http://www.cachevalleydaily.com/news/national/article_d40da8cb-1773-527c-8b6b-33638846e381.html” target=”_blank”>Sasquatch in her rearview mirror</a>. No doubt when the cops heard this story they thought this woman stuck her Big Foot in her mouth.

~rim shot~

Ironically, this fresh venison was not carried off by other deer, as apparently happens when any Sasquatch has been clipped by a vehicle, or just passed out dead. Slightly peculiar that we can find dinosaur bones from millions of years ago, but not one Sasquatch carcass has been discovered sitting under a random tree in Washington state.

Maybe that woman should have stopped her car and engaged Big Foot. They might have fell in love and married. Then, that moron on “Fox and Friends” that laments about Americans marrying <a href=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqbL9-HzxH4%20″ target=”_blank”>“different species”</a> would have a case to make.

— Baseball season is back this Sunday. Yay! Here are my predictions:

In the American League I like the Red Sox, Indians and Astros to win their divisions. The Mariners and the Blue Jays will take the wildcard sports. In the National League, I have the Mets, Cubs and Dodgers topping their divisions. I will give the wildcards to two darkhorse teams, the Marlins and the Rockies.

I really want to make an outrageous World Series pick. The harsh truth is the Red Sox and the Cubs are just too good to deny.

— Trump is planning to build a wall on the southern border. And guess who is going to pay for it?

You are!

Would the Trumpkins reading this column like to know why I consider them inferior to me? Because when someone lies to me, I get mad at them and would find it difficult to trust them again. You don’t. Because when someone makes grandiose promises about their ability to make deals and they fall pathetically short, I consider them fraudulent and incompetent. You don’t.

If Trumpkins have no respect for themselves to exude outrage when they have been obviously duped, why should I expunge an ounce of my highly-valued respect on them?

— As a public service announcement, I would like to remind Cache Valley residents that spring has sprung. The Deck at The White Owl is open. The outside tables at Caffe Ibis are in need of butts. Great live music can be heard at WhySound, and you can grab some soap next door at the Spirit Goat. Tanaka Balance and Become are studios dedicated to your better physical, spiritual and mental health.

The next Gallery Walk is scheduled for Friday, April 7th. And the Cache Valley Gardeners’ Market will return on Mother’s Day weekend.

I am not a paid endorser. I am just a guy that wants everyone to come to downtown Logan, park your car and walk around doing stuff.

— Utah pols are passing laws to stick it drinkers. And the crescendo of these suppressive new laws is lowering the legal drinking limit to an impossible 0.05%. This will not stop alcoholics who drive. Just recently a person I know who has two previous DUI’s was seen driving drunk. But it really does not matter what the legal limit in Utah may be. These laws have nothing to do with preventing drunk driving.

The new laws are an attempt by religious zealots that are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to abuse their political offices as a means to inflict the Mormon Church’s dogmatic edicts onto non-believers.

That’s a theocracy. That is un-American.

I am not the one to organize an economic protest on a large scale. In 2017, I—and those accompanying me—have spent over $700 in Idaho on Sundays buying goods that Utah deems sinful. That is my way of protesting. I love giving Idaho money Utah spurns. Idaho loves it too.

Utah is losing tax revenue. Utah is placing locally-owned businesses in peril of closing. Utah is intimidating future local business out of not even trying. That is a big price to pay for institutionalized religion.

It is time for non-Mormons to band together in one cause; that being, voting out Mormon politicians who believe they are agents of their church in lieu of being public servants responsible for implementing sound economic plans that create vibrant, diverse downtown areas.

Until that happens, Utah will continue to be a place where pious martinets treat the rest like irresponsible children. And, until that happens, all non-Mormon Utahns deserve to be treated like irresponsible children.

Fight or submit.

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