COLUMN: The Sick and the Well Read

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at hacaines@gmail.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“The language you are about to hear is disturbing.”</em>

—Dave Chappelle

Your Humble Columnist has been getting his butt kicked by one health calamity after another for the past week. As the act of scribing a coherent column that somewhat obeys the laws of acceptable grammar is difficult when I am in good health, so it is that such an endeavor is nearly impossible in my current debilitated state.

This looks like a perfect time to open up the CVD Mailbag and see what my throng of loyal readers has to say to me. Are these letters real? They are as real as the visions of the Grim Reaper leading me to the light that I have experienced most of this week.

<em>“You got nerve badmouthing letter writers to the newspapers! It is important for we citizens of liberty and truth to expose the international conspiracy to subjugate Christians to the secular, communist demagogues whose lust for world domination can be found in the gay agenda, feminism, the European Union and those subversive music videos they play on MTV 24/7.”</em>

—Dave D., Nibley

You haven’t watched MTV in 20 years or so, have you Dave?

I fully support any news publication putting anything that they want that is informative on their pages. I reserve the right to criticize such actions if I think it lets wackadoos have autonomy to spew nonsensical, bigoted bile at an unsuspecting public.

Stand on your front porch and scream how Major League Baseball is spying on you until you pass out if that is your inclination. But I would prefer to avoid conduits for such discursive discourse.

<em>“I can’t believe you would belittle people who have claimed to have seen Bigfoot. I saw him on May 8th, 2007. He is real and non-believers like you will be shamed when the truth is known to all.”</em>

—Dave L. Providence, UT

Question for you, Dave. Why won’t a group of Sasquatch band together and pillage a town? Or, maybe they can overcome their agoraphobia and just walk down Main Street, USA and meet the neighbors. Or, maybe their impeccable record of elusiveness can be broken when they are accidently filmed on an iPhone or home surveillance camera.

There is no Bigfoot. There most likely never was a Bigfoot. But we’ve got television shows where purported Ph.D’s traverse the vastness of the Pacific Northwest trying to find it. When usually normal people turn mythos into methodology, it is funny for about 15 minutes.

Such are “Big Foot Hunters”. Denial is a warm, safe place where they can all be happy and loved.

<em>“You ain’t running for mayor, are you? That would be the worst thing that ever happened to Logan.”</em>

—Dave P., Logan

Wow, Dave! The worst thing ever? It’s not like I will have the nuclear codes—because that guy is a pillar of mental stability and rational thinking.

No, I am not running for mayor. But since notorious theocrat and creepy artist Gene Needham has decided not to seek re-election to the Logan City Council, maybe I should seek that office. Needham no longer pretends to be anything more than a member of the Mormon Church who uses his office in an attempt to instill his church’s disdain for alcohol into public policy.

Logan needs an infusion of vibrant businesses downtown. Needham has voted in the negative for any business that has asked the city permission for a liquor license. Apparently, Gene Needham wants all of us to live by (RE: obey) his code of morality. I wonder if he would reimplement Prohibition, or ban coffeehouses, or force all businesses to close on Sunday, if he had his will.

Logan—and all of Utah—will be a better place when religious totalitarians like Gene Needham are no longer in a position of political power.

Unfortunately, running for the Logan City Council presents the same dilemma I would have if I ran for mayor. That being, I would have no chance to win. I would be shocked if I received 100 votes. But you would all enjoy the debates!

<em>“You need to have more fun in your columns. I got an idea! List 10 concerts you have been to. But one of them is fake. We have to guess which one is wrong.”</em>

—Dave T., Franklin, Idaho.

Oh, Hell no!

~blocked~

<em>“You seem well read. Tell me, who is your favorite Dickensian character?”</em>

—David C., Suffolk, England

What a wonderful question, Dave. My favorite fictional book of all time is “A Christmas Carol”. However, to give a true answer to your question I must confess to an admiration for Sydney Carton from “A Tale of Two Cities”. There is something about a brilliant, brooding boozer who views the world around him with contempt that I feel a great empathy for.

Good answer, Dave? Or were you hoping I would say something else?

<em>“What’s the difference between the letters people write to the editor of newspapers and your hate-filled column?”</em>

—Dave, Wyoming

I am smart, funny and I make cogent arguments.

<em>“Your mailbag columns are your best work. The next time you do one of those, you should have some comedic thread that runs through them. Remember the movie Blazing Saddles? Everyone in the town of Rock Ridge had the last name Johnson. You should try something like that.”</em>

—Dave F., Paradise, Utah.

Done, Dave. Done.

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