COLUMN: Rock You Like a Harry Caines

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at hacaines@gmail.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“The night is calling.</em>

<em>I have to go.</em>

<em>The wolf is hungry.</em>

<em>He runs the show.”</em>

—from the song “Rock You Like A Hurricane”, by The Scorpions.

Time to opine on a few different issues. I call these columns “random thoughts”, much to my editor’s chagrin. Now, I usually brand these non-specific columns with an odd title and a ridiculous quote as my lede. And nothing screams ridiculous more than The Scorpions. Although they did have a kick-butt ‘80’s power ballad called <a href=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjRas1yOWvo” target=”_blank”>“Still Loving You”</a> that I am quite endeared to. 

And away we go.

— When I moved my family to Utah in April, 2004 I assumed winter storms here would be massive. Sure enough, that December we got hit with what I thought was a huge snow storm. I called the elementary school that my two older kids were attending and asked if they were open. “Yes,” the man on the other end of the phone said, somewhat perplexed. Cool.

When I went to the supermarket, I did not see old ladies re-enacting scenes from the “Mad Max” catalog down the milk aisle. It kind of freaked me out that no one else was freaked out. Snow storms just aren’t a big deal here as they are back east. An 8” snowstorm in Philly pretty much dominates the news and every facet of life until the last flake falls. But this is Utah. Utahns just shovel the snow and get on with the day.

Forward to 2017. Two major hurricanes hit the southern U.S. within a week of each other. Devastation ensued. And the 24/7 news channels covered it non-stop.

And I watched none of it.

I do not in any way belittle those affected by these storms. And I recognize that storms of such severity are indeed newsworthy. I just am not a fan of incessantly covering a story that has a predictable outcome. Allow me to enumerate it:

<ol><li>A hurricane is coming. We see the swirl in the Atlantic Ocean.</li><li>We are given a projection of the storm’s path.</li><li>Fantasy football owners change their lineup after that weekend’s games are postponed.</li><li>News anchors struggle with pop culture references based on the storm’s name.</li><li>Reporters give us ad nauseum reports with a beach as their backdrop.</li><li>Those same reporters unnecessarily risk their lives to report on the storm whilst the storm is blowing in their faces.</li><li>We get interviews of people next to the rubble that used to be their home.</li></ol>

Trite. Predictable. Boring.

The mentality of people watching constant storm coverage is on the same level of NASCAR fans. They only want to see the carnage.

— Before the NFL season started I went on record with my Super Bowl predictions. I am (still) picking the Oakland Raiders to meet the Green Bay Packers. I also have picked my beloved Philadelphia Eagles to make the playoffs. That prediction sits easier with me after they beat the Washington professional football club this past Sunday.

Wait. Waaaaaaaa? Did you read that right? Can Harry “First Amendment” Caines, capitulate to the Orwellian liberal orthodoxy by not using the offensive nickname for the Washington professional football club?

Actually, I just typed that as a cheeky segue to the real purpose of this blurb. I have no problems using the name Washington Redskins.

Do you know what is offensive? Caucasians painting themselves in red pain and pretending to be Native-Americans attacking a convoy of white settlers. They do that in Wellsville, Utah. They have been doing that for a good number of years. But now that someone wrote a news article about it, my fellow social liberals are in a frenzy to stop it.

The We-Must-Do-Something-To-Stop-This mob is energized. And they are willing to fight any battle, no matter how supercilious or obscenely unnecessary it may be.

Yes, the reenactment is stupid and racist. Yes, it should stop. But if it doesn’t, does that really hurt anyone? And when the show is over, aren’t the residents of Wellsville already punished enough because they live in Wellsville? Does ending this put Wisconsin back in the Democrats’ column?

Fish the big fish. Put the guppies back in the pond and move on.

— Do you know why elected politicians from Logan, Utah all the way out to Washington, D.C. believe they can screw over their constituents? Because we do not stop them.

If any resident of Logan does not immediately threaten their dutifully-elected officials regarding the Needham family profiting off of a new library no one asked for, at a location no one wants, which the Needhams had a say in choosing, then all of you deserve to have your tax dollars go into rich people’s pockets.

Speak up or bite down hard. There is no third option.

— Finally, a little self-promotion if allowed to do so. I have been asked to run a Quizzo as a part of the entertainment for the <a href=”http://www.loganfilmfest.com/” target=”_blank”>The Block Film and Art Festival</a>. For the uneducated, Quizzo was a trivia game that originated at the New Deck Tavern near the University of Pennsylvania. I brought Quizzo to the White Owl in Logan in 2006. It was a huge hit.

I will host a Quizzo at The Factory on Friday, October 6th starting at 10 PM. There should be an event page on Facebook up and running this weekend. If you have never experienced “Full Frontal Harry” in three dimensions, this would be the time and place to do so.

I hope to see you there.

And with that, I bid you au revoir.

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