COLUMN: 2017 Predictions: How’d I do?

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at hacaines@gmail.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“She’s only 17. Daddy says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for me.”</em>

—from the song “Seventeen”, by Winger. Dedicated to failed U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore.

Another year gone. 2017 is winding down and it is time to look back at the <a href=”http://www.cachevalleydaily.com/opinion/article_0ee4d4e6-d8ef-11e6-8639-2b543f4ee286.html” target=”_blank”>predictions I made</a> to see how good a seer I really am. My predictions will appear in italics.

<em>Firstly, Russia will invade a sovereign nation for some trumped up reason. No one will stop them.</em>

I was a year late on this one. Russia invaded the sovereign nation known as the United States in 2016. In lieu of bombs and soldiers, they used Facebook. A loss is a loss. I got this wrong.

<em>The new website Mormonleaks.com will not reveal anything other than uncomfortable information about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.</em>

Big time bingo on this. Mormonleaks continues to release documents that shed light on LDS doctrine and procedures that are outside the realm of official policy. The fact that the LDS Church threatened Mormonleaks with “take down” notices in 2017 shows that this pesky website is accomplishing its’ mission.

<em>In Logan, the proponents for a new library will throw Molotov cocktails through the windows of the existing library and claim it was a terrorist attack.</em>

Did not happen. But the announcement that a sitting member of the Logan City Council and his son—who sat on the site committee for the proposed new library—would directly profit from two of three sites suggested for the new building shows that oh-so-pious Utah can be just as crooked as any other place where pols place avarice over good governance.

<em>Vermont will secede from the United States and petition to join Canada. Soon after, I will look to move to Vermont.</em>

Vermont is still in the Union. I do not, unfortunately, live in Vermont. Fail.

<em>The new Star Trek series, “Star Trek: Discovery”, will suck. This is an arbitrary prediction.</em>

Arbitrary ruling: Win. The new show sucks.

<em>One of the Kardashian-Jenner brood will have a high ranking position with the incoming President of the United States. Irrelevant reality television garbage tends to cling to their own.</em>

Somehow, the Orange Lunatic found someone more farcical than the Kardashians to prop up. Anthony Scaramucci was the White House Communications Director for 11 riveting days. The “Mooch” provided more thrills than “Star Trek: Discovery” ever could. I am calling this true.

<em>Mexico will pull a nobody-saw-that-coming move that will either cripple the U.S. economy or will seriously endanger the security of America.</em>

Wasn’t a thing. By the way, how’s that wall coming along? Did Mexico cut a check yet?

<em>A paranormal expert (OXYMORON ALERT) will make millions this year when he reveals how the Sasquatch have so successfully carried off their dead to avoid detection all of these decades.</em>

Despite the eye-rolling number of paranormal shows on television, there still is no “expert” that can tell me where the Big Foot skeletons are buried.

Utah State University went X-Files in 2017 when it invited an anthropologist to campus to share his belief that the Sasquatch walk the planet. This guy is committed; or, at least, he should be.

<em>I will spend over $3,000 over the course of this year in Idaho on Sundays, or for liquor and gambling on other days.</em>

As of December 19th, I have spent $2,097 in Idaho during this calendar year. Yes, I actually counted it to the dollar. However, many of the people I traveled to the Gem State with in 2017 spent money when in my company. So, I am saying that this aggregate total was way over $3k and this prediction came true.

Idaho loves my money. And I love giving it to them.

<em>This next prediction requires a SPOILER ALERT for those who have not seen “Star Wars: The Last Jedi”.</em>

In Star Wars Episode VIII, Princess Leia will die.

She was blown into space, but used some boss Jedi skills to survive. Happily, this is a fail.

And now, sports!

<em>The Kentucky Derby winner will go off at 10-1 odds or longer.</em>

At post, the winner, Always Dreaming, was the favorite at 9-2. Fail.

<em>LeBron James will win another NBA Championship…with some help from the Cleveland Cavaliers.</em>

In the NBA Finals, the Warriors took down the Cavs in five games. Fail.

<em>The Miami Marlins and the Colorado Rockies will both make the baseball playoffs.</em>

The Rockies were as good as I thought they would be. The Fish? No. And with the recent fire sale they just held, an early 2018 prediction might see me pick Miami to lose 105 games for the upcoming season. I am calling this a push.

<em>The Utah State Aggies football team will go winless in Mountain West conference games.</em>

Thankfully, I was wrong. The Mountain West was not nearly as strong as I thought it would be.

<em>Fox News will buy out Breitbart News and start allowing those ethically-challenged hacks to appear on the network with the guise of legitimacy.</em>

Fox did not have to buy Breitbart. Fox News hosts present daily propaganda and conspiracy theories that rival infowars.com. Somehow, Fox is now less legitimate than Breitbart, its’ online soul brother. Madness.

<em>In North Korea, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will run a marathon in under an hour, win the U.S. Open golf tournament with a score of -23, fly a paraglider to Mars and back, and, in a spectacular finale, will beat The Undertaker and John Cena in a “triple threat match” at Wrestlemania to become WWE Champion.</em>

Serious question: What’s the difference between the outrageous, fabulistic lies North Korea’s state-run news runs about Kim Jong-un and what Fox News says about Donald Trump?

And, finally…

<em>And, finally, the man who I will only refer to in this space as President Sexual Predator come January 20th, will set new standards of ineptitude, endanger the world with his complete lack of diplomatic civility and will make dopes of his supporters when he does practically none of the things he promised to do when he convinced these bitter, ignorant, deplorable buffoons to exalt him to the most position on the planet.</em>

Worst. President. Ever!

And that is 2017. This will be the last CVD column of the year for Your Humble Columnist. I will return in January to offer my predictions and prophecies for the upcoming 12 months.

I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas. And I sincerely hope that 2018 will find all of us prosperous and healthy.

Thank you for reading.

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