COLUMN: 18 for ’18

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at hacaines@gmail.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“18 and life, you got it.</em>

<em>18 and life, you know.</em>

<em>Your crime is time,</em>

<em>And it’s 18 and life to go.”</em>

— Skid Row

Another year is here. 2018. I graduated from high school in 1988. I was the father of two toddlers in 1998. I was a student at Utah State University who hosted Quizzo at the White Owl in 2008. What will I be in 2018? Good question. I will not predict my future. I will, however, make predictions of other sorts in this space at this time.

And here I go:

1) In November, NASA’s InSight probe will land on Mars. Within two weeks of this event, a Starbucks and a Walmart will start construction on the red planet.

2) Shortly after Argentina is scheduled to start commercial flights to Antarctica, penguins will be forced to shack up four to a nest to afford rising rents.

3) The last season of “Game of Thrones” will not air in 2018. As of this writing, the final date for this show’s last six episodes has not been announced. HBO will not want half of its’ subscribers cancelling right before Christmas, so they will hold off until 2019.

4) Robert Mueller will be fired. On the day this happens, Congressional Republicans will prance out on to the steps of the U.S. Capitol with shaved heads and wearing white robes with the word TRUMP emblazoned on the front. They will then chant in unison, “We have no god but Trump.”

5) Cache Valley will have a wet summer. No reason for this prediction other than a hunch.

6) A new social networking website will launch that will force members to do everything it tells you to do, buy what it tells you to buy and watch what it tells you to watch. It will have 50 million members by the end of the year because, well, you know, why not?

7) Donald Trump will launch a nuclear missile after a rogue world leader suggests his sexual prowess has diminished. Republicans will respond by opening a Congressional investigation into an infowars.com story suggesting Hillary Clinton has unpaid parking tickets.

8) Pope Francis’s scheduled trip to Northern Ireland will lead to substantive talks about uniting the Republic of Ireland with the British North. No one on this planet can bring forth reconciliation like this Holy Father.

9) “Deadpool 2” will make more money than “Avengers: Infinity War”. The era of superloud superhero movies is (mercifully) coming to an end. “Deadpool” makes fun of the genre from the inside. Snark trumps self-parody.

And now, some sports predictions.

10) The Golden State Warriors will not win the NBA Championship.

11) The men’s and women’s curling teams from Canada will both win gold medals at the Olympics…and sincerely apologize afterward for being too damn good.

12) France will win the World Cup. Unsurprisingly, this will become a political football (PUN ALERT!) in America.

13) The Los Angeles Dodgers will beat the New York Yankees in the World Series. Everyone will complain that the two biggest spenders are the last two standing. I will retort that any organization willing to spend money to give their fans a championship is worthy of praise, not ridicule.

I feel duty bound to make some predictions on the much-ballyhooed midterm elections.

14) The Democrats will take control of the U.S. House of Representatives, but it will not be a rout. When the reckoning is had, the Dems will hold between 222 to 225 seats.

15) I do not feel confident enough at this time to make predictions on the fate of the U.S. Senate. I will predict that the Democrats will flip the seats in Nevada and Arizona.

Nevada is now where Virginia was 10 years ago. It still holds on to some Republicans, but it is turning into a Democratic state more and more.

Arizona’s presumptive GOP nominee is a woman named Kelli Ward. Wait ‘til you get a load of her. She exudes a level of crazy that the 24/7 news channels will embrace with unbridled glee. If she is the nominee, as is expected, she will lose.

16) Local to Cache Valley, elected officials from Logan will argue vehemently about the future of downtown. Whatever proposals are made will immediately be hated by the Comment Section Mafia. 2018 will end with no serious changes to a downtown area that is a graveyard after 7 PM.

17) RT, the Russian owned television network, will buy Fox News. Or Fox News will buy RT. It really will not matter much as both channels are shameless Putin propagandists. No one will notice the difference.

And finally,

18) During a White House Rose Garden appearance, Donald Trump will approach the microphone, only to be shocked to see Steve Bannon walking slowly towards him.

Bannon will smack Trump in the face, throw him to the ground by his tie, and tell him he has 5 minutes to leave the grounds. Bannon will then approach the dais and in a calm voice exclaim, “I am now in charge.”

And no one will question him.

I expect to return to this space at the end of 2018 to review my prophecies. Let us see what this year brings.

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