COLUMN: Fear the beer

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees.

<strong>COLUMN—</strong> A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, “You know, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper, looking puzzled at the bartender, replies, “You have a drink named Steve?”

For all the good and bad things that I say about Utah, nothing vexes me more than the consternation, vituperation and alienation caused by the argument about alcohol.

In short, when it comes to sane, logical, pragmatical laws regarding the consumption, distribution and availability of liquor, there are 49 states and then there is Utah.

That is not a compliment.

For reasons that defy rational thought, Utah has passed, and attempts to enforce, the most archaic laws regarding liquor that exist anywhere outside of fundamentalist Muslim countries. These laws, which are barely more than an exercise in banality, do not really accomplish anything other than allowing the Utah legislature the ability to go to their constituents and claim that they are standing firm against the evil sin of alcohol.

These elected officials are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The LDS church strictly forbids its members from consuming alcoholic beverages. That means that in Utah, people in a position of power are using their own specific religious dogma as justification for passing and enforcing laws.

That’s a theocracy. Theocracies are the prime enemy of individual rights and personal freedom. Regarding booze, Utah is attuned with the political ideology of Iran more than the United States.

But, this attitude amongst Mormons is for the most part only here in Utah. And that is one question that begs for an answer. How is it that many members of the LDS church can stand firm in the Right and not waver from the unshakable moral principles that Mormon scripture commands them to adhere to in such bastions of liberal thought such as California and Washington state? How is it that Brazil, a country with a refreshingly libertine attitude regarding partying, can be the home to so many devout Mormons? These areas are rife with consumption of alcohol, and yet, LDS adherents flourish there.

I think the answer is simple and scary. Through the unfortunate process of elections, a small group of unhinged wackadoos have been able to rise above the more sensible members of the Utah electorate and have attained power over the last half century. Knowing that their attitudes towards many moral issues would make them persona non grata once they stepped two feet outside of Utah, they decided to make a stand here. They decided that Utah was their state. In Utah, moral rectitude rules from On High. And alcohol is public enemy number one.

And yet, despite little proof that Utah is better than the other 49 states because of its oppressive laws regarding hooch, Utahns still claim this state to be a harbinger for personal freedom and unobtrusive government. Hogwash!

Take a look at the hypocrisy regarding guns in this state. The majority opinion is that guns are fine so long as responsible people use them. OK, I understand and wholeheartedly agree with that point of view. But, I want someone to link me the article about the drunk who mowed down a school filled with first graders using a bottle of vodka.

And then there is the greatest murderer in the history of the world, religion. Where is that textbook that says the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Mountain Meadows Massacre and the Holocaust were all caused by two guys who got into a bar fight?

The criminality of liquor in Utah is deplorable, and my friends in Utah who drink do not get off the hook. Oh, no they don’t! Given that anyone who partakes in wine and spirits is pretty much castigated and treated like second class citizens – not much better than a drug addict or a pedophile – you would think that they would form a political collective and make it their sole priority to throw people out of power who make them feel small for their desire to drink a beer.

Nope. They do not punch the bully in the nose. Instead, most drinkers and bar owners in this state hand over their lunch money and stand meekly in a corner hoping the big bully will leave them alone. Apathy is akin to submission.

And because of that attitude, the Utah legislature grows more emboldened in its branding of liquor as a true and pure evil. Look at the much maligned “Zion Curtain” law that exists in Utah. A partition must be placed over the bar area in restaurants so as to avoid children from the intoxicating (pun intended) sight of a staffer mixing a banana daiquiri.

I have the solution to this outrageously insulting and ludicrous law – Christmas lights.

Every restaurant in Utah should place bright, blinking Christmas lights on the partition. Maybe images of Santa and My Little Pony can adorn the front of the blinder. Fuel the child’s curiosity to the point where nothing else matters but to know what is behind the wall.

Within days, the state will be falling over itself passing a law outlawing Christmas lights inside of Utah restaurants. And then, we can all share a hearty guffaw knowing that we initiated the religious nutjobs who run this state into becoming active participants in the War on Christmas.

And one final thought on the “Zion Curtain”. If anyone really believes that a partition hiding the bar area of a restaurant protects their children, whilst simultaneously allowing those same kids to scarf down a 2,000 calorie plate of chili fries, then you are a terrible parent and your children should be forcibly removed from your custody for their own safety.

You cannot reason with the unreasonable. Religious fanaticism destroys productive dialogue. The days of compromise regarding liquor in Utah have long since passed. The last, best recourse for those who do not wish to be made to feel like a criminal simply because they enjoy liquor – like countless billions before them over the millennia’s – is scathing rebuke and endless, aggressive ridicule and mocking of those whose ubiquitous fear of beer rules Utah.

<em><strong>@ChiefSalsa</strong></em>

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