COLUMN: The People’s Republic of Cache Valley

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees.

<p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>In a country where ridiculous people continuously find a way to be elected to legislative bodies, I cannot find any one group that is more laughable than those who represent the northern part of Colorado.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>In one of those news blurbs that makes me question whether the 10th Amendment to the United States Constitution should be repealed, a group of representatives from counties making up Colorado’s northeastern region announced last week that they were going to have serious discussions as to whether they should secede from Colorado and form the 51st state.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Yeah, that ain’t going to happen.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Take away the fact that both Colorado and the United States might take umbrage with the divorce, it is just not fiscally or logistically feasible to do that. And despite the fact that gun nuts that live in that region have collected large arsenals of weapons, waiting for that inevitable day when Mother Government would swoop in to take away their freedom, they are still vastly outgunned.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>This is an act of ideological grandstanding topped off with a sprinkling of political buffoonery. We here in Utah understand such embarrassments. Mike Lee is one of our U.S. senators.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Whenever a far right wing, rural enclave talks about secession, inevitably the word disenfranchised is bandied about. Liberals also hurl that word into the air freely, but somehow it rings more hollow when used by those on the Right.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Do you know what disenfranchised really means? It means you lost. It is a word used by people who fought a political battle, found themselves in the minority and now they want to “defriend” you from Facebook.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>I hear this tune over and over living in my own bastion of anti-government sentiment known as northern Utah. Having been a delegate to the Utah GOP conventions of 2010 and 2012, I sat in a room with many people who would not mind waging war against President Obama and his legion of Commie Pinko cult followers.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>And that is what got me to think about a radical idea. A premise so frivolous, illogical and incendiary that it can only be found in this column.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>What if Cache Valley, Utah seceded from the Union? Not just from the state, but the whole country.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Don’t brush me off! Why not us? Is northern Colorado better than we are? Outside of the fact that in Utah beer drinkers and homosexuals are relegated to the same social standing as heroin-shooting, pedophilliac axe murderers, we are just as mentally apt to form our own country as anyone else.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Don’t get me wrong, there are tons of bugs we would have to work out if we are to become our own nation.The main problem being that a democratic government would probably fail here. You see, Cache Valley is filled with Mormons. And while 99% of Mormons are sensible people who would give their last cup of green Jell-O to feed a starving stranger, they have the awful tendency of voting the other 1% that is the lunatic fringe into positions of power.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Nope. No voting here. Not if we want to improve on the place we broke off from. We would need a dictatorship. And that is where I come in. I think I would make a danged good sovereign ruler.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>To begin, I would still be just one of the people. No need to call me Your Excellency, or Lord or even Mr. Dictator. I would still be Harry. Of course, you would have to be on bended knee with your head bowed in submission when you addressed me—but you would still address me just as good ol’ Harry.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Now I know some of you would be concerned about my views on social issues. And I readily admit that I would lower the drinking age to 16, as well as legalize gambling, marijuana and gay marriage.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>But, I would not infringe on anyone’s right to practice religion. I would not spy on my citizen’s phone calls or emails. And I generally would leave people to live their lives in anyway they see fit.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Trying getting that deal from the United States.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Cache Valley would make a great country. We could get our own NHL team. We could feed ourselves with our bountiful farmland. And we can open trade with Cuba—because the US’s embargo on that country has been soooooooo successful. (NOTE: That was sarcasm)</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Talking in movie theaters and libraries? Banned. Riding bikes on sidewalks? That is a two week jail sentence. Ketchup on hotdogs? I can’t print the punishment that obscene act would garner.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>I would allow for a free press—but I would force the Herald Journal to print the real names of those nimrods who post those barely literate–and consistently ugly–comments on their web page. Those people scare me.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>There is one unfortunate dilemma. What do we do with Utah State? It would no longer be in Utah, and Cache Valley would not be a state. Cache Valley University? Too whimpy.  It sounds like a fictional school those annoying twerps from “High School Musical” would attend.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>I will form a committee to work on that problem. Do dictatorships have committees?</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>It may be too easy to correlate secessionist movements in America to the U.S Civil War and the defense of slavery. I fully admit that doing so may be an unfair allegation of Americans who have a right to ask for a redress of grievances from their government.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>This thesis is not an argument against dissent. My problem is with empty threats. No part of any state is going to break off because they did not get a pony. The Veruca Salts that litter this great nation can throw all the hissy fits they want regarding disenfranchisement; it will never produce a 51st state.</p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”> </p><p style=”line-height: 1.15; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;” dir=”ltr”>Not everyone gets their way. Not everyone lives in a state in which their opinion is in the majority—a fact I can fully attest to! This is what makes America great. We have to live with each other…whether we like it or not.</p>

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