COLUMN: Diary of a Wimpy POTUS

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees.

Like a man-god from Greek mythology, Russian President Vladimir Putin oozes masculinity from every pore as he stands at a podium dictating international policy to the world he now seems to rule with a flexing of his disturbingly well-chiseled biceps.

Putin flies fighter jets—not flies in them, he actually pilots the war machines. He fishes bare-chested in January…in Russia. He hunts whales with crossbows. He is a martial arts expert. He drives Formula One race cars at high speeds. He rides motorcycles and has been in submarines.

Putin is a manly man that makes that old guy from those Dos Equis beer commercials look like some fat kid who works in a comic book store.

And what does the United States counter Vlad the Virile with?

Barry, the Wimpish.

In the court of public opinion, the U.S. sends out to the world some skinny, effete community organizer as the antithesis argument against a man who considers rafting the Siberian River half naked as a source of relaxation.

These are the dark days.

Say what you want about Dubya, but that crazy Texas cowboy thing he did at least made Putin think twice about messing with us. Obama? The only problem Putin has with taking the philosopher king’s metaphorical lunch money is that it is too easy.

I know I am making light of this situation, but it really is a very serious subject. In world affairs, I don’t believe President Obama has the testicular fortitude to cajole the world to believe in his vision of cooperation. He lacks strength of purpose, ideology and, yes, pectoral muscles.

I understand the fatal flaw of my premise. Women are not naturally masculine; and, thusly, my argument can be seen as chauvinistic. Untrue. German Chancellor Angela Merkel is a woman and she ranks second to Putin in the sphere of world influence. Merkel’s political acumen and diplomatic savvy has, in my expert opinion, almost single-handedly kept the disaster-in-waiting that is the European Union from imploding on itself.

Merkel maintains femininity while showing a steel resolve that Obama can only watch on television.

And let us not forget Hillary Clinton. If Hillary was Big Chair right now, how many of you really think she would let Putin spit vodka in her face like he does Obama? Oh, and when he does that, the vodka has his name on it.

Let me repeat that. They named a vodka after Putin!

What product will be named after Obama? My guess is a brand of softballs.

And I am not going to accept any guff from the Republicans who know I voted to re-elect Obama. If Mitt Romney was president, Putin would smack him in his well-coiffed head with a Russian-translated Book of Mormon—and then Vlad would kill a deer barehanded to wind down before bed.

When did we decide to only nominate featherweights for president? Well, there was John McCain, but his machismo was slightly dulled by the fact that he is crazy.

This intellectual presidency has been a train wreck. The thoughtful president who would make the world join him in a group hug has never materialized. The only enemy groups Obama has brought together are the far left wing peaceniks and the fringe right wing tea partiers—both factions are now joined in a brotherly embrace whilst singing a chorus of “Kumbaya” and various John Lennon songs…all in protest against bombing Syria.

Where did Obama’s magical power of persuasion go? Was not he (remember when it was usually typed “He”?) molded by the Titans to bring forth world peace using nothing more than the gift of oratory? And yet, at every turn, Russia has become the voice everyone bends their ear to hear.

And the down side to Putin’s cult of personality is upsetting to anyone who loves personal liberty. Why? Because Putin does not love liberty. The former KGB agent has squashed the free press in Russia. Dissent is now a privilege, not a right. Add to that his abhorrent stance on homeosexuality in the old Soviet Union and you have the reimagining of an oppressive state.

But few stand up to him; and those who do risk jail time and their very lives to do so.

In our world, testosterone still matters. No matter how many dorks are hooking up with hot chicks in social arenas, in the realm of politics studs trump duds. And Obama, the bookish popinjay who holds the moniker of Commander-in-Chief would prefer to put Grey Poupon on a quiche than do a survival weekend in the Ural mountains with Comrade Beefcake.

To be fair, few pragmatists would succeed in the current American political climate. It can easily be argued that even Abraham Lincoln would find it difficult to show perspective on big issues were he president in 2013. Obama’s futility may be a tragic misfortune of timing.

But, another great attribute of leadership is discernment. Obama, if he plays the game, must be lousy at poker. He does not believe he has to read others so much as he thinks others should understand him. This is an awful vice for a leader. Even on his worst days, Putin is successful because he can read the room. Likeable? Maybe, maybe not. But Putin will take victories over Facebook friends every day of the week.

That is why Russia currently has profound influence over the world. And the U.S. has a haughty wimp for a president that is getting sand kicked in his face on a daily basis.

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