COLUMN: Halloween Lists

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees.

<em>”I met him, fifteen years ago; I was told there was nothing left; no reason, no conscience, no understanding; and even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, of good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face, and the blackest eyes… the devil’s eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply… evil.”</em>

—Dr. Sam Loomis from the film, “Halloween”.

October is such a great month. Halloween is the major reason why. For this week’s offering, I submit to you a set of lists featuring the best and worst that this fun holiday has to offer.

Some I have listed in previous columns; but it is always worthy of my time to re-evaluate all things Halloween.

THE BEST SLASHER FILMS OF ALL TIME (NOTE: the films listed are all the originals. No remakes.)

1. Halloween

2. My Bloody Valentine

3. The “Scream” series (All 4 movies)

4. Friday the 13th, Part 3. (This is the film that introduced the hockey mask.)

DISHONORABLE MENTION

“Silent Night, Deadly Night”

Filmed in Heber City, Utah, this atrocity of a film has a plot that I’m embarrassed to share.

An orphan has what modern day mental health professionals would call a “trigger” when he sees Santa Claus. He screams out the word “naughty” and axes people to death.

This film is the only slasher flick in history to contain a time lapse montage. Jaw-dropping awful.

THE WORST SLUTTY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

1. Police officer (accessorized with handcuffs)

2. Bo Beep

3. A devil

4. A Kardashian

5. Any kind of cat, big or domesticated. Yes, we all know that the word pussycat can be gerrymandered into a double entendre and a sexual euphemism simultaneously. So damn clever!

NECESSITIES TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

1. Guns

2. Large quantities of bottled water and cans of tuna

3. A complete lack of morality

4. Overweight followers (I don’t have to be faster than the zombies. I only have to be faster than you.)

REASONS WHY “TRUNK OR TREAT” SUCKS

1. The kids do not learn a work ethic. The little brats become embedded with the belief that going up to strangers in a parking lot and demanding candy is an entitlement.

2. I have no idea what my neighbors put in their car trunks. Yesterday, Fred put his aging grandmother that he offed himself in the back of his Ford Explorer. Now, he is giving little Hayli and Jaxon candy from the same space? I hope he washed out his vehicle first.

3. It’s harder to be rude to the cheapskates that give the kids Dots. The brats have to force a smile and avoid giving them the middle finger.

THINGS THAT SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER HAVE PUMPKIN IN THEM

1. Beer

2. Soap

3. Candles

4. Ice cream

5. Coffee

6. Pretty much everything that isn’t pie, cookies or bread.

THINGS THAT ARE NOW ASSOCIATED WITH HALLOWEEN THAT SHOULDN’T BE

1. The World Series. At this rate, Game Seven will be scheduled on Thanksgiving.

2. Jack ‘O Lantern shaped pizzas. When did this become a thing? Pizza not only tastes great but also teaches the mathematically challenged about basic geometry. You need a Nobel Laureate from MIT to properly and equally cut a pizza shaped like a pumpkin. Simplify, man!

3. Christmas. We have killed Thanksgiving for purposes of making Christmas an eight week long holiday. Radio stations that play Christmas songs on November 1st should be shut down; and anyone who listens to Christmas songs before Thanksgiving night should not be allowed to procreate.

So, that is all for now. I hope you all enjoy your Halloween. And be safe putting up your Christmas tree on November 1st.

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