COLUMN: The Butt Stops Here

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to CacheValleyDaily.com. Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at [email protected]His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“Fat bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go ‘round.”</em>

— Queen (The rock band, not Helen Mirren)

Sex!

Did I get your attention? Good. I have been looking to up my readership into triple digits. And sex sells. So do lottery tickets, but not in Utah.

I have to be careful. CVD is a “family friendly” website. That means such provocative things as typing the word sex–especially with an exclamation point—could lead to an email to my editor asking for my removal as a columnist.

Nothing is more American than asking for a voice to be silenced for espousing a view that insults someone; a lesson Senator Elizabeth Warren learned this week as well. And added to that, what will people do if they do not like me using that word? Boycott my column? How much impact will not reading a column on a free website really have?

I dare you to boycott me!

Usually in my columns, this is the spot where I construct a clever segue leading my actual point. Not this week. Let me just get to it.

Anyone in Cache Valley that has a problem with Victoria’s Secret having a large advertisement prominently featuring a woman’s (somewhat) covered butt needs to talk to a mental health professional about their phobia of something that is one of the great pleasures in life. That being, a woman’s butt in sexy underwear.

How do these stories continuously come to the fore? Perhaps each of us that decide to give sexually-repressed people that complain about insignificant things attention exacerbate the situation by giving them notice. That seems to be the genesis of this recent farcical “controversy”.

This started with one of those always intellectually-muted “letters to the editor” that appears frequently in The Herald Journal. The title of which can stand alone when showing its high eye-roll quotient.

“Get pornography out of sight at CV Mall”.

Yes, according to the author of this letter a large advertising billboard located prominently on the exterior (posterior?) of Victoria’s Secret shop featuring a woman wearing thong underwear is pornography. Not to be outdone, the website on which this column appears weekly—cachevalleydaily.com— followed up with its own blurb, cheekily entitled, <a href=”http://www.cachevalleydaily.com/news/local/article_2365e24a-ed6f-11e6-875d-9f4d50b96a60.html” target=”_blank”>“Victoria’s Secret advertisement raises eyebrows at Cache Valley Mall”</a>.

Ahh, I see what you did there.

In the CVD piece, it states that the head of security for the Cache Valley Mall—a job that I would equate with the Maytag repairman—stands in front of the advertisement as a means to “prevent additional photography.”

Umm, what?

Does anyone really believe that random people are going to take photos of signage featuring a woman in thong underwear? Is this belief based on the perversely illogical deduction that the photo would somehow be used as bootleg porn?

Question:

What if someone thought the head of security for the Cache Valley Mall was considered sexually arousing? What if they snapped a photograph of him standing by the sign?

Do you see the conundrum? What is considered obscene or pornogrpahic varies from person to person. And this fetishistic obsession deeply held by certain Utahns with keeping places “family friendly” would be justifiable if such places occasionally turned a profit.

And that is my clever segue into the misguided outrage regarding an advertisement. The letter-writer to the HJ wants so-called pornography out of sight at the Cache Valley Mall. She fails to see what is really out of the sight there. Shoppers!

No one goes to the CV Mall with any frequency or consistency. Maybe it does somewhat good business on Saturdays and around Christmas; but, mostly, it sits there dormant. Consider as well the number of stores in the CV Mall that have closed recently, and what you have is a building that is not an attraction for retail shoppers.

Foot Locker, Journeys and Fanzz is just a short list of stores that have closed their shops in the CV Mall recently. Some of these, or other closings not mentioned, might have been caused by higher rents. Well, if a store is making money, it can afford higher rents.

Guess what store makes money in the CV Mall? Victoria’s Secret. It is a high-end store for women’s apparel with an international reputation for quality. And we got one right here in our own substandard mall. But some people who do not want little Jaxtyn and Lynkyn to see a suggestive photograph want to agitate a high-end retailer that does robust business.

If those who manage the Cache Valley Mall are competent, they would lower rents, advertise to shoppers who take their money to Layton Hills and Idaho and, most importantly, woo businesses that turn a profit because they offer things that motivate people to come out. Maybe put a sports bar in the large area at the main entrance that sits there unoccupied. Yeah, I know, not “family friendly”; but since that code term for capitulation to religious values does not seem to keep that many businesses open and thriving in this area, maybe “family friendly” should stay hidden in a dark cave.

Perhaps those who object to the Victoria’s Secret advertisement are right. Maybe that picture is pornography. It might be best if we not only demand that the offending picture be torn down, but we should also chase that filthy store out of Cache Valley altogether.

Then, women who love that brand can still buy it by going to one of their retail stores south of here—or, buy from their online catalog. That will not make any money for Logan City, which taxes businesses within the city limits. But that is OK! The city can just cut services, or implement “family friendly” property tax hikes.

Yes, we should definitely protect the children of Cache Valley by removing “Lady Butt Billboard” from the Cache Valley Mall. And then, to teach our children fundamentally bedrock Christian morals, we can sit them down to listen to archived tapes of The Howard Stern Show featuring the current President of the United States discussing the sexual allure of his own daughter.

NOTE: If either Victoria’s Secret or the Cache Valley Mall wish to respond, I will offer them a chance for a reBUTTal

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Logan Burger was previously identified as a business in the Cache Valley Mall that has recently shut down. The business was shuttered for several weeks in January while the owners were on vacation, but it has now since reopened.

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