COLUMN: Mailbag Hijinx

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”</em>

—Steven Wright

It is that time again! The CVD Mailbag is open for business. Let us see what my dozens of readers have to say to me.

Are these comments true and real? They are as real as accusations that Hillary Clinton sold uranium to the Russians.

<em>“How can you suggest that half of Utah leave because of the liquor laws? How exactly would that work? I have family here. I own a home. My children love it here!”</em>

— Nikki, Logan, Utah

Wow! You read my column wrong. I never advocated for 1.5 million people to leave Utah. It was a hypothetical to set up my argument regarding how Mormon politicians in Utah should stop treating drinkers in the state like 2nd class citizens.

You took me too literally.

<em>“Of course Mormons in Utah are going to vote against liquor. We don’t drink. You are lucky we let you have bars and liquor stores.”</em>

—Francis S., Paradise, UT

And you are lucky to have paved roads, schools, police officers, fire departments and trash pickup. Taxes pay for those things. Unless Utah Mormons are willing to pony up 80% of their home’s value annually to pay for services, you better find other sources of revenue.

Everyone who lives here buys things. Some of us buy booze. We also like the occasional lottery ticket. Personally, I buy those things in Idaho. The Gem State loves my money.

The more Utah passes arcane, petty liquor laws, the more money it loses.

<em>“Your columns suck! And they are filled with typos.”</em>

—Susan, Franklin, Idaho.

Yeah, I do make too many grammatical mistakes in my columns. I get lazy. Feel free to pass on mistakes to my editor when seen. I want any and all typos corrected when possible.

<em>“Your article where you called Trump supporters stupid was out of line. Did you ever think that calling Trump voters names is why we voted for him?”</em>

—JoAnn, Provo.

No, Jo, that has not occurred to me. What has danced in my head as a more plausible reason for Trump receiving votes is that many of his supporters were duped. Too many bought into his canard about being a successful businessman. Others wanted to believe he would become presidential once in office. A select few let go of reason altogether because they hated Hillary Clinton.

But, really, most Trump voters are white and bigoted. Trump gave their prejudices a voice and they now follow him blindly. So long as he occasionally rails against Muslims, or liberals, or homosexuals, or any minority group, they will adore him.

Trump played to the worst angels of the nature of many who fear too many things. And now we must all suffer for that level of stupidity.

<em>“Are you going to write a column about the JFK papers?”</em>

Jim, Louisiana.

Possibly. If I did, it would be in a few weeks to correlate with the anniversary of President Kennedy’s assassination on November 22nd.

Whether I do or not, allow me to give you a three word preview of what that column would suggest:

Oswald acted alone.

<em>“Are you going to write another column this year moaning about how Christmas comes too early?”</em>

—Chris K., Boise

I saw a Christmas commercial on television on October 24th. Why not Labor Day weekend?

Christmas is a wonderful season. Christmas songs are either really great or really bad; but arguing about them is always fun. Why can’t we wait until Thanksgiving night to enjoy these things? Everything in America is overkill. I hate it.

Finally, I want to break with tradition and address an actual comment that was left on CVD’s Facebook page. It was a response to my <a href=”″ target=”_blank”>“Sex and the State”</a> column. I had taken umbrage with Utah’s gag order on educators promoting an “advocacy of homosexuality”. I stated that there was nothing wrong with being gay. Here is the facebook response:

<em>“More fawning crap from a guy aping the big city POVs. Homosex isn’t normal and never would have been characterized as such if the phychiatric profession wasn’t chock full of them.”</em>

Homosex? Lovely. I am not sure that was even a word in 1957. Fear of homosexuality is based on silly fables in an archaic book. And I am willing to bet my eternal soul if Jesus ever came back to Earth, he would be 100% fine with homosex…and its’ practitioners.

As far as the second part of this nutty comment is concerned, I never heard of the massive homosexual agenda in the field of psychiatry. My shrink is a Mormon bishop. As we all know, there is no way any Mormon bishops could ever be gay.

Enjoy November everyone. If you can avoid the Christmas stuff.

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