COLUMN: Forward March

Harry Caines contributes a weekly column to Harry is a resident of Logan and an alumnus of Utah State University. He can be reached via email at His column is a work of opinion, and does not reflect the views of Cache Valley Daily, the Cache Valley Media Group, or its employees. 

<em>“There’s something happening here.</em>

<em>But what it is ain’t exactly clear.</em>

<em>There’s a man with a gun over there.</em>

<em>Telling me I got to beware.”</em>

— from the song “For What It’s Worth” by Buffalo Springfield

Well, February was terrible. I spent the first half of this month enduring an excruciating bone spur on my Achilles’ tendon. The second half of this month was spent mourning my grandmother’s passing. She raised me. And then, out of nowhere, a man that I had an immeasurable amount of respect for died suddenly of a heart attack on the last day of this awful month.

February, you suck!

Hold on. The Eagles won the Super Bowl in February. I guess we can call the month a draw.

It is March now. Spring brings with it the eternal optimism that makes us silly humans continue to seek happiness. And while there are a ton of issues that I can address in this first column of the third month, I have decided to allow you, the little people, to have your say.

Yep, it is a “letters” column. Contain your enthusiasm.

Are these real letters from real readers? They are as real as the accomplishments Hope Hicks leaves behind as she exits the White House.

<em>“I rooted against the Eagles because of you. I bet you are an even bigger smug jerk now that they won.”</em>

— Jerry J., Arlington, Texas

Surprisingly, I am humble. I might still be in shock. Being home recently and seeing the joy my friends and family are experiencing since the Super Bowl has added perspective to what the Eagles being champions means to so many of my own kind.

I am 47 years old. Talking smack seems silly and immature. However, if the Flyers parlay a Stanley Cup with the Super Bowl win, well, yeah, I might become insufferable.

<em>“When are you going to finally accept that Trump won?”</em>

—Greg, Richmond, Utah

When are you going to accept that electing this maniacal, avaricious, lazy, perverted carny was nothing more than an act of defiance to satiate your bigoted phobias?

<em>“How do you pick your subjects for your columns? What is your process? Curious minds want to know.”</em>

—Stacy, North Logan.

Well, Stacy, much like whatever book I end up purchasing in a bookstore, I do not pick the subject so much as it picks me. I try not to publish anti-Trump columns in back to back weeks. That is overkill. So I try to wait for him to do something colossally stupid to give me the full weight of my frothy bile.

I have already scribed a pretty funny St. Patrick’s Day column. I will wait two weeks before submitting that. I like discussing sports once in a while, but only during a really slow news week, which is rare nowadays.

My pop culture columns on television and film come when I am feeling like a verbose intellectual. I always thought I would have been a great writer of film theory. My hot takes on Christopher Nolan are literary gold.

Every once in a while I am either hurried for time or just do not feel like putting in a mammoth effort into this space. In those weeks, I do a “letters” column.

<em>“Aren’t you a fan of The Walking Dead? It kinda sucks right now.”</em>

Bob, Preston, Id.

Yes, it does. I am quite worried that this magnificent show has lost its way. One of <a href=”” target=”_blank”>my favorite columns</a> in this space was about the morality of “The Walking Dead”.

Lately, the story lines are stale and I just do not care about rebuilding civilization in the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse. The pacing is erratic and I am checking my phone every 5 minutes to help me get through the multitude of unnecessary scenes.

TWD will always be one of my all-time favorite shows. Even if it does not get out of this funk, I will consider the philosophical arguments that this show has brought to the fore as its’ legacy to intelligent television.

<em>“Your article on downtown housing is so biased! Downtown does not need more apartments. It would ruin the natural beauty and quiet that we who live down here love about this place.”</em>

LaVar, Logan, Utah

Downtowns are where small towns make money. Logan’s downtown is dead after 7 PM and all day on Sundays. People like me take our money elsewhere. Logan gets almost none of my recreational funds.

If downtown housing was available, younger inhabitants would spend their disposable income close to where they live. The infusion of residents would make for a huge intake of money for downtown businesses. That is more important than your selfish and unfounded belief that downtowns are supposed to be serene fortresses of solitude.

You want quiet? Move out to Paradise. Logan needs more people, more businesses and more activities downtown. Anyone that opposes progress should have their property taxes raised 25%. Any volunteers?

And finally, when an actual human being asks me a question, I should answer it. When I made <a href=”” target=”_blank”>my predictions for 2018</a>, I picked France to win the World Cup. Someone who posts under the name Se7en asked me about that pick. I assume Se7en is a pseudonym, though in Utah, who knows?

He asked:

<em>Are you guessing on France at the WC? France would not be in my top 10 so you have me questioning my sanity.</em>

Given some of your rambling critiques that you post on my columns, you should question your own sanity. But not on this.

My best guess is Germany will win the World Cup. They just are better than every other team. But it is boring to pick the favorite.

I want to be entertained. Watching Trump America lose it’s mind as a country they hate wins a sport they hate is a scenario too delicious not to root for.

Vive La France!

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